Long held rumors about thousands of dollars being lavished upon USC star basketball player OJ Mayo were corroborated this week by an alleged confidant of Mayo.  According to this informant, who spoke with ESPN’s Outside The Lines program recently, Mayo received the sum of money during his high school and college career in exchange for a verbal agreement to be represented by Bill Duffy Associates, a West Coast based sports agency, upon turning pro.  Though this is alarming, Mayo is not the first USC superstar to run afoul of NCAA recruiting rules; just two years ago, Heisman trophy winner Reggie Bush was accused of having received more than $300,000 in gifts and cash while at USC.  Bush, it seems, was amply punished by having to sit through endless re-runs of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”, but Mayo’s punishment, if any, is yet to be determined, and given that he is turning pro, may be irrelevant anyway.

These revelations are just the most recent in a disturbing trend in college sports that puts winning before academics, pride, and integrity; well, actually, the more disturbing part is that most fans are in favor of it as long as their team wins.  I can’t tell you how happy I’d be to see some stud running back with a 1.5 GPA in high school and three illegitimate kids driving around South Bend in a new Escalade.  I guess one could say this emphasis on winning at all costs has echoed the American sentiment of immorality in an age of Enron, Tyco, and whoever decided it was ok to put Jamie Lynn Spears on magazine covers.  And with that, I’ll attempt to summarize the brief history of recruiting and academic violations in college sports…

Euthanizing the Mustangs - SMU gets the death penalty, 1987: Though the SMU football program had already been on probation as early as 1985, a revelation of 21 players being paid up to $61,000 by boosters caused the NCAA to take decisive action; they decided to force the storied program to cancel the 1987 season and most of the 1988 season, as well basically tell all the players who didn’t receive any money to get lost.  SMU later renewed its program, though to significantly less fanfare, and its main achievement in the time since has been the establishment of the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library on campus (The first Presidential library to include only children’s books and military strategy memoirs).

Shaq goes Hollywood (for the first time) - Blue Chips, 1994: Filmmaker William Friedkin, previously known for his work on The French Connection, set out to produce an expose on the lack of ethics in college sports, but inadvertantly exposed only the lack of ethics in Hollywood, by casting such thespians as Shaquille O’Neal and Penny Hardaway in key roles in this film.  The film centers on Coach Pete Bell’s (Nick Nolte) efforts to win over talented recruits who would otherwise be paid top dollars by competing programs, only to resort to the same sordid tactics himself.  Moviegoers, however, are more likely to remember the film for its cameos, including a youthful Rick Pitino, an animated Dick Vitale, and a non-chair throwing Bobby Knight.

The laziest Kat since Garfield - AIDS Awareness Day in Columbus, 1998: Buckeyes star linebacker Andy Katzenmoyer, the previous year’s Butkus Award Winner, is barraged by media members who have discovered his fall schedule includes such intellectually stimulating courses as Golf, AIDS Awareness, and Music Appreciation, and that he needs a 2.0 GPA in those classes in order to remain eligible to play football, presumably in a late season bowl game.  Katzenmoyer, confident in his ability to cruise through those courses, basically gives the media the old “wait and see”, and though it appeared at the time he was referring to his academic skills, later years showed this statement to be nothing short of prophetic, revealing his belief that Maurice Clarett’s OSU exploits would render him only the second biggest jackass to grace the horseshoe in history.

For the Second Time in as many years, there is a problem of Chads - This Time in Corvallis, 2001: Fresh off a 41-9 thrashing of Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl, Oregon State Wide Receiver Chad Johnson found himself with an interesting conundrum.  He really had no place to be.  Confused?  Not as much as Chad was in class that previous fall.  You see, Chad Johnson, in the fall of 2000, began playing football at Oregon State University after having spent the last two seasons playing Junior College Football.  He had also flunked out of several junior colleges previously.  For those who are unfamiliar with the term, Junior College Football isn’t like Junior Varsity football, it’s more like junior varsity intelligence and work ethic.  Anyway, unscrupulous coach Dennis Erickson recruited the flamboyant speedster to Oregon State, where Johnson allegedly did not attend any classes during the fall semester.  Of course this deviates from everything the NCAA stands for, but because of systematic lags in the system, by the time he would have been suspended for this infraction, he had already declared for the NFL draft.  The rest is history they say, and surprisingly, the signs he often pulls out after scoring touchdowns are usually spelled correctly.  However, I don’t think we should expect the same kind of autobiography that his cousin Keyshawn produced any time soon.

A Webb of Lies - The Michigan Scandal, 2002: Former Wolverine Star Power Forward Chris Webber, a member of the Fab Five, was charged with lying to a grand jury in connection with allegations that he had received improper payments from Michigan boosters, to which he later confessed in something of a Clemens-ian fashion.  The Wolverines were, as a result, stripped of their 1992 and 1993 Final Four Appearances, and were forced to dissociate from Webber for a period of ten years, rendering the Fab Five meaningless in the annals of college basketball, though they are still notorious in pop culture for convincing scrawny white kids from the suburbs to wear baggy shorts and forget how to count.

There’s no Bail in Baylor - 2003: An array of unfortunate, and ultimately tragic events befell the Baylor basketball program in 2003.  On July 25 of that year, junior forward Patrick Dennehy’s body was found near Waco, Texas, having been killed several weeks earlier by teammate Carlton Dotson, who was later found incompetent to stand trial for his crime.  In light of Dennehy’s death, NCAA officials were more concerned that he had transferred to the school without a scholarship and taken part in basketball practices.  It was later determined that Coach Dave Bliss had paid part of Dennehy’s tuition during his time at Baylor, as well as having turned a blind eye to failed drug tests and academic improprieties for a handful of student athletes.  The NCAA came down with all its might; it informed the perennial Big 12 doormat that it would reduce scholarships and take away non-conference games, much to the chagrin of national powerhouses that were looking for a gimme win over a major conference opponent in the early season.

If yo ho only know - Da Seventh Flo’ Crew, 2003: This wasn’t really so much a recruiting or academic violation as it was a violation of the rules that govern decent society, and while it pales in comparison to some of the other things Miami’s been accused of over the years, it’s certainly worth discussing.  For those who don’t know, the 7th Flo’ Crew was an underground rap group composed of University of Miami football players that recorded a wildly offensive, nine minute track that detailed their sexual exploits on campus.  It was actually reasonably well and professionally produced, unusual given that it was alleged to have been produced in a dorm room.  However, those who might be offended by this track should have been warned by the disclaimer at the beginning, uttered by the presumed leader of the pack, “Marvelous”… “This Song in its entirety, is not meant to disrespect any women, in its entirety … (laughter) … aight, you know what I mean, bring the track”.

A No Show Job Tony Soprano would be proud of - Oklahoma, 2006: Quarterback Rhett Bomar, who had emerged late in the previous season as a viable candidate to lead the Sooners back to national prominence, was suspended indefinitely from the team during the summer of 2006 after coach Bob Stoops determined that he received almost $18,000 in unearned pay from a local car dealership owned by a Sooners fan.  Stoops, it was revealed sometime later, was alerted by the dealership’s payroll accountant, who believed that Rhett Bomar was actually a ghost employee, as no parents would be cruel enough to name their child Rhett.

Good thing they didn’t give him probation; he wouldn’t have lived through it to learn his lesson - 2006: Mark Mangino, savior of the Kansas Jayhawks football program and real big man on campus, came under fire when five of his players were found to have received answers to correspondence course exams from graduate assistants.  The violation went largely unnoticed, as it was not until the next season that the team rose to prominence.  Further, they were not deemed corrected until only recently, as Coach Mangino originally interpreted “lack of institutional control” to be a jab at his immense weight.

And you thought your sociology final senior year was tough - the FSU Music History Debacle, 2007: Prior to Florida State’s 2007 Music City Bowl against Kentucky, it was revealed that as many as 36 Seminoles (the players, not the Indians) received answers to a Music History Exam during the Fall 2007 semester, causing the team to be without numerous starters and untold gang fight fodder for the upcoming game.  Though the irony in missing the Music City Bowl over a Music History Final is undeniable, the most amusing part of the whole experience came in the form, not surprisingly, of Head Coach and noted curmudgeon Bobby Bowden’s response to the issue, “We can’t afford any injuries” (no, seriously, I’m not clever enough to make that up).  Though I would expect nothing less from the school that hosted Wyatt “Jesus” Sexton and Chris “If you consider throwing 4 interceptions in a game handicapped, then I was allowed to park there” Rix, Bowden just keeps making Joe Paterno look like a scrappy, young, charismatic coach.

With the awarding of the NBA MVP to Kobe Bryant this week, pundits have begun to speculate that perhaps this was something of a lifetime achievement award as opposed to an appraisal of Kobe’s season this year.  It’s a bit of a conspiracy theory, but it makes sense: with an increasing number of young superstars, such as Chris Paul, LeBron James, Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, and others, coupled with the fact that Kobe turns 30 later this year, this may be his best opportunity to get one, and the NBA does not want someone like Kobe, who’s given much to the game of basketball, and given more still to the world of high end jewelry and throwback jerseys, to go through his entire professional career without one.  However, there’s no doubting that Kobe’s statistics justify recognition, and even if this is more a celebration of his career than of this season, what’s wrong with that?

This isn’t the first time we’ve seen controversy about an MVP, indeed, there was speculation during the 1990s that Charles Barkley and Karl Malone won the award merely because voters were sick of giving it to Michael Jordan.  Similarly, often times a quarterback, such as Kurt Warner in 2001, wins the award merely because he is the most visible player on the best team.  Thus, I feel it’s important, for the integrity of the awards, to establish the least deserving award winners of the past twenty years.  It is only when we weed out those less qualified that we can see the true value of the real MVPs.  For purposes of this column, I’m going to stick to pro basketball, pro football, Major League baseball, college football, and, to the extent that I’m aware of it, college basketball, as I don’t know much about other sports.  Any suggestions are welcome, and if you’re a hockey fan, please tell me what “[Insert Canadian last name here] Trophy” means when you comment, because it’s usually not apparent.  Also, I think for the sake of my sanity, and so that I have more articles to write in the future, I’m going to exclude all-star team inclusions that shouldn’t have been.

NBA Sixth Man Award, Every year: Is it me, or is kind of an unnecessary award?  I’m not sure if you should be congratulating someone for not being good enough to start, it seems more like taunting to me.  I bet the winner of this award gets a $50 gift certificate to Sizzler.  You remember how teachers used to give out ribbons to kids who did really well on their spelling tests?  Well this would be like giving a ribbon to Dan Quayle.

1991 National League MVP - Terry Pendleton: No, I don’t actually have a problem with this award, Barry Bonds does though.

1992 Naismith Award Winner - Christian Laettner: To be fair, Laettner did, along with Grant Hill and Bobby Hurley, lead his team to the title over the vaunted fab five of Michigan.  However, most people seem to agree that Shaquille O’Neal would have won the award had LSU been a more highly touted team.  Indeed, Laettner’s inclusion on that summer’s Olympic Squad, the first such team with NBA stars, further drove home the point.  However, as history goes, O’Neal went on to be an NBA super star, winning MVPs and four championship rings, recording rap albums with the Fu Schnickens and starring in such box office and critical smashes as “Kazaam” and “Steel“, while Laettner has spent the majority of his career as a role player, both on the court and presumably in cinema as well.

1994 Heisman Trophy winner - Rashaan Salaam: The competition between the Colorado star and Penn State back Ki-Jana Carter was almost as fierce as the rivalry between them in the pros that lasted for all of about 15 minutes of the first preseason game the next year.

1996 Super Bowl XXX MVP - Larry Brown: Who’s Larry Brown, you ask?  He was that cornerback from the Cowboys who picked off two extremely errant Neil O’Donnell throws during Super Bowl XXX, and was rewarded by the Oakland Raiders for being in the right place at the right time with a lucrative contract, that lasted all of about 12 games.  The funny thing is, if he were actually doing what he was supposed to be doing, and wasn’t in blown coverage, we’d still think of Larry Brown as being that guy who coached about 100 different NBA teams.

1996 American League MVP - Juan Gonzalez: We all know the stats, twenty-one year old Alex Rodriguez batted .358 with 36 homers and 54 doubles, and 141 runs and 123 driven in.  However, playing in an obscure Seattle Market blah blah blah… Yeah tell Starbucks that Seattle doesn’t matter.

1997 NFL Co-MVP - Brett Favre: I’d say this was a lifetime achievement award, but Favre had won the award the previous two seasons.  For those who don’t know, the other co-winner was Lions running back and chief alienator Barry Sanders, who rushed for 2,053 yard that season.  I really never have understood the halo effect given to Favre, but it seems like it’s gotten worse.  I know, he’s really tough, and he’s a real team player, but I feel like if either of the two of them was to be labeled tough, it’d have to be the 5′8, 200 lb running back who got nailed every play, not the 6′2″, 225 lb quarterback with the all world offensive line in front of him.

2000 Heisman Trophy winner - Chris Weinke: Weinke, a 28 year old former minor league baseball player, beat out 20 year old Virginia Tech sophomore quarterback Michael Vick for the award.  Naturally, this prompted some controversy, though Weinke had not violated any rules, other than being trounced several weeks later by Oklahoma in the championship game.  Weinke approached the podium very gingerly when his win was announced, and some TV viewers reported hearing muffled barking sounds from behind the stage.

2001 Super Bowl XXXV MVP -  Trent Dilfer: Wait a second, Dilfer didn’t win the MVP, he only got the free trip to Disneyland because the actual MVP killed someone at the previous year’s Super Bowl.  I bet Ray Lewis took that trip to Disneyland anyway, and I bet the Magic Kingdom had extra knights on duty when he did.

2002 Super Bowl XXXVI MVP - Tom Brady: 145 yards passing and one touchdown.  That sounds more like the line of Rex Grossman than of a Super Bowl MVP.  Does anyone else think Brady would get less attention if he looked more like Randy Johnson?  I do.

2002 American League Cy Young Award - Barry Zito: Yes, he went 23-5 with a 2.75 ERA for an A’s team that almost certainly would not have made the playoffs without his efforts, and there wasn’t any serious competition.  But there has to be some provision in the baseball world to remove awards from players who have done things so atrocious after winning the award, that the very integrity of award would be questioned by that person being in possession of it, or being associated with it.  Gold Medals have been stripped for steroid use, OJ’s Heisman has been permanently taken off display at USC, and Zito’s abomination of a current contract should outweigh anything he did before 2007.

2002 NFL MVP - Rich Gannon: Don’t get me wrong, I like Rich Gannon.  My uncle played football with him in college, and he was a solid pro for many years.  But I’m not sure I like the idea of a guy who threw a bunch of five yard outs and screen passes being considered in the same eschelon as Barry Sanders or Emmitt Smith or Peyton Manning, especially for a journeyman quarterback who didn’t start until late in his career.  Unlike Barry Bonds, however, Gannon can thank Jon Gruden and not his personal trainer for his later career improvement.  It’s kind of a shame they didn’t hold the MVP voting after his five interception performance in that year’s super bowl.

2003 World Series MVP - Josh Beckett: Wait a second, wasn’t the World Series that year the Yankees beating the Red Sox on a Game 7 extra inning home run by Aaron Boone? 

2003 Heisman Trophy Winner - Jason White: I’m pretty sure my brother mentions this one any time he talks about college football at all, but this is a good reason for not allowing votes to come in early: in the Big 12 Championship game against Kansas State as well as in the National Championship game against LSU, really the first time other than the Texas game White had played solid defensive competition, he got manhandled and his team lost both games.  It also demonstrated the bias to give the award to quarterbacks over other players, as standout Pitt receiver Larry Fitzgerald was beaten out by White.  However, according to wikipedia, White now operates an OU/OSU memorobelia store in Norman, while Fitzgerald just signed a multi-million dollar contract extension, making him one of the league’s highest paid players, so I’m sure he’s doing ok too.

2005 National League Cy Young Award - Chris Carpenter: Not that Carpenter didn’t have a fine season, he went 21-5 with a 2.83 ERA.  However, long time baseball trophy darling Roger Clemens, now at the age of 43, bested that with a mind-blowing 1.87 ERA, though he finished with only 13 wins, in part because of poor run support.  It’s worth noting too that despite his ERA (the lowest in the national league in over a decade), he typically pitched only six innings per game or so while at home, so as to make sure he didn’t miss the end of any high school dances in the Houston Area.

2006 American League MVP - Justin Morneau: Twenty years from now, some kid is going to be learning about baseball, perhaps through reading the baseball encyclopedia, and have no idea who Justin Morneau is?  Maybe the AL just had a down year in 2006, and maybe I’m biased if I think Derek Jeter should have won that year, but Derek Jeter is Tom Brady’s equivalent and baseball, and was probably worthy of a gimme that year, for his contributions to baseball and to the world of advertising.

2007 Heisman Trophy Winner - Tim Tebow: I can’t say I have any empirical proof for this, but I’m pretty sure that Tim Tebow is going to inherit Brett Favre’s halo effect when he goes pro in a year.  That’ll make the 2008 NFL season the dark ages of pro football, without someone to laud for throwing the ball into double coverage or playing through a busted fingernail.  If I were Darren McFadden, I would have been beside myself for not winning this award, especially after the LSU game.  Then again, Darren’s got enough kids to console him that he probably didn’t get too upset.  You know all the voters flocked to Tebow’s 26 TD throws and 20 TD runs, which I’ll concede is impressive, but you know things are bad when ESPN folks are trying to make the case for Tebow and you see reassuring stats like “5 TD runs of more than 5 yards”.

2008 Naismith Award Winner - Tyler Hansbrough: Remember how Rush Limbaugh so eloquently articulated that the reason Donovan McNabb was so lauded by football pundits was that they wanted a black quarterback to succeed?  Well it works both ways, and I’m pretty sure everyone wants Tyler Hansbrough, AKA Psycho T, to succeed on the hardcourt.  I can’t imagine what Hansbrough was doing at talent-laden North Carolina that was more impressive than Derrick Rose leading upstart Memphis to the Finals, or than Michael Beasley singlehandedly willing Kansas State into the tournament, but the sportswriters can’t seem to get enough of him.  Well, all the same, oafish white basketball players usually fade into obscurity once they started riding the bench in the NBA, but we have another year ahead of us of listening to wily sports announcers tell us all about this guy.

In Austin, Texas, earlier this week, much maligned Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested for allegedly “Boating While Intoxicated”. As one might suspect, this act involved the former Texas Longhorn trying to steer boat while under the significant influence of alcohol. Though Benson steadfastly denies that he was drunk (and also states that he was abused by police officers), this will no doubt have repercussions for Benson, the Bears, and the crackdown-state NFL over the coming months. I can say this with reasonable certainty, as this is not an unprecedented event.

Pro Athletes, much like movie stars or musicians, are people who have become wealthy without necessarily possessing a high level of intellect or good judgment. Wealthy professional types, such as lawyers or bankers, have earned their way to the top through shrewd decision making and mastery of their thought-based trades, and are often, though not always, smart enough to know how to behave themselves once they become wealthy. Athletes often come from poor and downtrodden families, and aside from being blessed physically, typically are not blessed mentally, and poor judgment ensues. Here’s a brief list of some of the better crimes committed by athletes over the years…

Randy Moss plays Michael Corleone and attacks a police officer: Randy Moss is really the Messiah of this list, and it’s difficult to pick one specific incident (getting kicked out of both Notre Dame and Florida State before ever setting foot on a field, using marijuana during his pro career, mooning the Green Bay faithful), but I’m going with this one. In September of 2002, shortly after signing a $75 million contract extension and stating that “when you’re rich, you don’t write checks” in response to a fine from NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, Moss actually hit a female police officer with his car when she asked him to stop because of suspicious behavior. Moss later stated that he had heard Vikings defensive coaches talking about a “Bump and Run” and took the instructions far too literally.

Reservoir Pitchers: Ugueth Urbina throws gas!: In October of 2005, journeyman reliever Ugueth Urbina, most recently a member of the Philadelphia Phillies and my championship fantasy team, was apparently agitated about something, perhaps having the questionable distinction of having both names start with U, on his Venezuelan farm when he attacked several of his workers with a machete and poured gasoline on them. Urbina was later charged with deprivation of liberty and attempted murder and is serving 14 years in Venezuelan prison, which I’m willing to bet is worse than either Shawshawk, or the “Federal Pound Me in the Ass” prison described in Office Space. However, the implications of this attack were more far reaching that Major League Baseball; months later, President George W. Bush managed to tie this attack, as well as several convenience store robberies and an alarming jaywalking trend to Hugo Chavez.

This stuff would cause your life to “flight into bolivimon” also: Mike Tyson, in a 1997 heavyweight title match against Evander Holyfield, actually bit off his competitor’s ear in the ring. It’s hard to say that this is the worst thing a convicted rapist has done, but it’s probably the most unusual and animal-like. My apologies to Randy Moss, we have a new heavyweight champion in the field of athletes breaking the law. It’s funny, but you hardly even notice that humongous tattoo on his face because of all the unusual things he does, between his collection of bengal tigers, his prison sentences, and standing next to Don King. I’d like to think that we’re not gonna here from Iron Mike now that his boxing career is essentially over, but given his recent attempted foray into the pornography industry and the fact that he’s been better known for his out of the ring activities than his boxing for the last twenty years, I’m not optimistic.

If Only life were as simple for him as it is for his namesake: Adam “Pac Man” Jones, the talented yet troubled defensive back and kick returner, now of the Dallas Cowboys, has been a neverending punchline over the last few years for sports commentators with his childish behavior.  Ignoring for convenience’s sake a few assorted assault charges and spitting incidents, PacMan’s most devious and well known act was the melee that ensued at a Vegas Strip Club during NBA All Star Weekend 2007.  After PacMan and rapper Nelly began to “make it rain” with $81,020 worth of $1 bills from a garbage bag, the former West Virginia star punched a stripper after she collected a few of the bills off the floor, and upon being escorted out of the club by two bouncers, apparently suspended in mid air between them, Jones threatened the bouncer’s life, and then almost made good on his promise by allegedly having one of his cronies come back and shoot the bouncer and two others, leaving one man paralyzed and two others injured.  There are really too many things wrong with this picture for me to lampoon just one, so I won’t try, but I really do think there’s some irony in the fact that while traveling to NY to meet with commissioner Roger Goodell to discuss his suspension, he managed to stop by a big apple strip club the night before the meeting, and also in the fact that after paralyzing a former wrestler in a shooting, he joined a professional wrestling association during his suspension.  Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, though, has a reputation for helping out troubled athletes, and is reported to be building a firing range in the Cowboys’ new stadium for Jones and fellow Gun Enthusiast Tank Johnson.

Who Let the Dogs Fight?: Michael Vick, who only seemed to be an upstanding citizen when compared to pugilistic younger brother Marcus, pled guilty in 2007 to federal and state charges of funding an illegal business enterprise, stemming from a raid in which authorities seized 66 pit bulls and significant dog fighting paraphenalia.  Vick, who later claimed to be an animal lover, citing his collection of seven goldfish and his love of a fine steak, was sentenced to approximately 23 months in prison for his crimes, which will probably make him even more angry at dogs when he gets out.  Most college football fans, after the 1999 championship game in which Vick terrorized the Florida State defense with his feet and with his arm, felt that Vick would revolutionize the way quarterback was played in the NFL, but few realized what an impact he would have on the world of underground, high stakes dogfighting.  Followers of NFL player misconduct will also remember Vick for giving genital herpes to an Atlanta woman, and then providing her with the alias Ron Mexico.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.  At this time last year, Yankees fans were brimming with optimism over the recently announced return to the Bronx of 7 time Cy Young Winner, future Hall of Famer and former Yankee World Champion Roger Clemens.  Clemens, in his typical late career fashion, had waited until May and to announce his return in a dramatic fashion, not exactly in keeping with his alleged humble and team-first Southern manner.  However, the Yankee faithful were disappointed when The Rocket stumbled to a 6-6 record and 4.15 ERA while spending a significant number of his $1 million starts on the disabled list.  Yankees fan were angered with The Rocket’s faux-bravery when he attempted to play through a hamstring injury to pitch Game 3 of the American League Division Series against the Indians, only to be bailed out by a potent offense after a meager performance.  Yankees fans, characteristically prone to remembering a player’s faults while ignoring his contributions, were thus vindicated when Clemens’ name appeared eighty two times in the not-so-groundbreaking Mitchell report in December 2007, were entertained by his sessions with Congress and not-so trainer-looking Personal Trainer Brian McNamee several months later and became more likely to follow their teenage daughters to their slumber parties and the skating rink after country singer and general burnout Mindy McCready revealed she had had an affair with Clemens that began at a Karaoke Bar when she was fifteen years old.

Steroids, Adultery, Obnoxious holdouts… how did Roger Clemens get to this point?  It’s rash to make judgments about a man’s actions without fully understanding the events that shaped him.  Thus, I present a time-line of the life of William Roger Clemens, the All-Star, the Legend, the man with a third ear.

August 4, 1962: William Roger Clemens is born in Dayton, Ohio to parents who are soon to separate; his mother shortly remarries Woody Booher, whom he considers to be a father figure, and who passes away in 1971.  Clemens later recounts that the saddest moments of his life were going go to his baseball practices with no father. (Note: Statement made in early 2007, current accuracy unknown).

1977: Clemens family moves to Houston, Texas, where Roger attends Spring Woods High School.  It is during his high school years that he develops the attachment to the city that brings him to the Houston Astros from 2004-2006, though it is unclear at what point he developed a southern drawl after living the first fifteen years of his life in the Midwest.

1983: Clemens, as a member of the Texas Longhorns, is on the mound when the team wins the College World Series.  While the remainder of the team goes to an Omaha bar to celebrate the victory, Clemens crashes a high school party looking for his next flame.  It is at this very party he christens himself “The Rocket” (albeit in a much more suggestive manner than it is used in later years).

April 29, 1986: Clemens, now a Red Sox Starter, becomes the first pitcher to strike out 20 batters in a game, en route to a Cy Young and American League MVP season.  Upon baseball legend, civil rights hero, and then-home run king Hank Aaron commenting that a pitcher who pitches every fifth day shouldn’t be awarded the MVP, Clemens retorts that “I’d crack his head open” if he were still playing, the first of many simple minded quotes attributed to him throughout his career.  It is worth noting that this outlandish comment cannot be attributed to roid rage, as his use did not start for years afterwards, and that his real anger that season probably should have been directed at Bill Buckner.

1992: Clemens is featured on an episode of popular network cartoon “The Simpsons”, playing himself alongside eight other major league stars.  A brief synopsis: desperate to beat a rival power plant in softball, Mr. Burns brings in major leaguers, each of whom falls victim to some unenviable fate in Springfield, with the exception of Daryl Strawberry, who plays Homer’s position.  Clemens is felled by a hypnotist brought in to convince the team to give “110%”, as he begins to start clucking like a chicken.  This foreshadows future events, in which Clemens mindlessly places his trust in Brian McNamee and allegedly does whatever he is told.  Strangely enough, the writers of the show didn’t elect to give him the condition of having a swollen head; that went to the lean and sweet swinging Ken Griffey Jr.

September 18, 1996: Clemens again reaches the 20 strikeout mark, ten years after his first such outing, though it comes in the midst of a mediocre 40-39 four year stretch that prompts Red Sox General Manager Dan Duquette to say that the thirty four year old Clemens is “in the twilight of his career”.  Clemens, now a grizzled and hardened veteran, achieves a rare steroids two-fer: moving to a team in a country with a more lenient stance on drug use, and moving to a team that featured Jose Canseco on its roster.

1997-1998: Despite lackluster records by the Toronto Blue Jays, Clemens wins two Cy Young Awards, thus showing Boston fans that he really wasn’t done.  Noteworthy, also, is that during this time period, the once long and lean Clemens develops a formidably muscular lower body that he attributes to a renewed enthusiasm for offseason workouts and emphasis on diet and supplements.  He also first meets trainer Brian McNamee during this time; McNamee, at the time a minor character in the Clemens saga, snidely tells reporters curious about Clemens’ offseason weight gain that Clemens’ neighbor, a partner at a local accounting firm, also gained 25 pounds that offseason.

1999: Desperate for a World Series ring that has eluded him his entire career, Clemens, to much fanfare, joins the reigning World Champion New York Yankees, and indeed won titles in both 1999 and 2000. Clemens’ first well documented incident of ‘roid rage occurred during the 2000 World Series, when he hurled a shattered bat barrel at Mets’ All Star catcher Mike Piazza, defending himself by stating that he “believed it was the ball coming” at him.  Apparently Mike Piazza was using steroids too, as he hit the ball so hard that it became a bat after being hit, and apparently Clemens had not forgotten his dodgeball skills from his days

on the Dayton, Ohio playgrounds.

2003: Clemens, for the first time of many, announces he will retire effective at the end of the season; on June 13, against the St. Louis Cardinals, he throws his 4,000th strikeout and records his 300th win, ensuring himself a spot in the Hall of Fame upon his retirement…

2004: … which just never seemed to come.  From 2004-2006, Clemens joins his “hometown” Astros, compiling a 38-18 record while pitching partial season for inflated paychecks, taking the ‘Stros to the World Series once and winning still another Cy Young Award despite abhorrent run support.  The woefulness of this run support pales in comparison to the current lack of support from his personal trainer, as well as former best friend Andy Pettitte.

December 13, 2007: Clemens is cited eighty two times in the Mitchell Report, more than any other individual player, thus putting himself in a category of elite players such as Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds whose achievements on the field have been overshadowed by their alleged steroid use in Hall of Fame voting.  Around the same time, four University of Pennsylvania Statistics Professors produced an statistical report indicating a positively unique and puzzling upward trend in Clemens’ late career production, to which the seven time Cy Young winner stated it was the result of “hard work”, and to which his agent produced an 1,800 word document stating that it was normal for this to happen.  Brevity is the soul of wit I suppose.

February 13, 2008: Clemens, receding hairline now very noticeable, appears before a bipartisan Congressional committee to make himself seem like a liar, hypocrite, and someone who’s awaiting a jail sentence when his informant trainer rats him out air the truth about his non-steroid use.  As many other major leaguers had done in light of allegations, he merely states that he took what was given to him, and that all of it was legal.  Sharp contradictions were noted in his testimony, such as his alleged non-attendance of a party at Jose Canseco’s house in 1999 despite photographic evidence to the contrary; Clemens’ lawyer indicates that Clemens believed this to be “an off the hook kegger” and that “Canseco’s parents weren’t home” and that “there’s all kinds of hot sophomores and juniors there”.  Clemens’ demeanor in court is widely reviewed; he seldom even looks at Brian McNamee, his accuser who is sitting only a few seats to his right; studies will later show that Clemens’ head had enlarged as a result of steroid use, but that his eyes had not, and as a result, his peripheral was indeed impaired, and he did not know McNamee was seated to his right (Moreover, even when McNamee spoke, Clemens did not recognize his voice, which had been obscured during their training sessions by the music of Mindy McCready).

April 29, 2008: Clemens is linked by McNamee to country singer Mindy McCready, who admits having a decade long affair with Clemens that began when she was fifteen years old.  It’s unclear whether Clemens hoped to get free promotional souvenirs at the ballpark or children tickets when going to the movie theater, but Clemens responds that she was just a close personal friend, much like John Daly’s wi… god damn it, she just rode in my plane and showered in my bathtub, what the hell is wrong with this country?

Sadly, the NFL draft, and with it the months of unwarranted hype that lead into it, have left us for a year. Sports fans around the country must, for the next five months or so, go back to deluding themselves into believing that their low budget baseball franchises can compete with the likes of the Yankees, Red Sox, and Mets. However, many teams had positive takeaways, giving their fans hope for years to come with shrewd drafting and trading of picks. Many teams were not so fortunate, but alas the winners in this draft won’t truly be known for years to come, when a handsome, goat-bearing quarterback from Michigan drafted in the sixth round rewards his franchise’s faith in him by knocking up attractive supermodel after attractive supermodel. And maybe he’ll even throw in a super bowl ring or four three.

However, I’ve decided to reward the teams in the short term by establishing the teams who really demonstrated during this draft how willing they are to neglect significant character issues for a top running back, how blatantly they can push a veteran contributor out the door for a young buck who makes half as much, and how tempting it is to draft some nerdy ivy league quarterback with a 3.8 GPA in Latin with one of those worthless seventh round picks. All teams and draftees deserve at least some credit for listening to that well-coiffeured pretty boy Mel Kiper Jr. second guess their picks (See Shuler, Heath over Faulk, Marshall and Leaf, Ryan over Manning, Peyton).

Without Further Ado…

The Andrew Carnegie Award, for best patron of the arts

Winner: The Baltimore Ravens, for their selection of Tavares Gooden, better known by his stage name “T Good”. For those who weren’t fortunate enough, or didn’t have the will to listen to nine minutes worth of profanity, racial slurs, and sexually offensive terms, “T Good” was a member of the famed seventh floor crew of U of Miami football players, which did a pretty good job of sending back the improving reputation of the University’s football program to the days of Jimmy Johnson.

The Mother Theresa of Calcutta Award, for kindness to the feeble minded and meek

Winner: The New York Giants, for selecting Wonderlic-Challenged Mario Manningham with their third round selection. Manningham managed to score a 6 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test, an IQ test of sorts for NFL prospects, testing their ability to learn a pro playbook. Luckily, with Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, Steve Smith, and Super Bowl Hero David Tyree as well as as perennial pain in the ass Jeremy Shockey “manning” the receiving core, Manningham can take it slow, and join that figurative special ed course, the practice squad. The Giants also selected Andre Woodson of Kentucky, who scored a 14 on the Wonderlic test … and is a quarterback.

The George W. Bush Award, for showing that intelligence doesn’t really have any bearing on success

Winner: John Carlson, Seattle Seahawks. Carlson, a University of Notre Dame graduate, scored 34 points better than University of Michigan graduate Manningham. However, and maybe I’m biased after watching that clown drop pass after pass for Notre Dame and still get national acclaim, I’m pretty sure Ray Lewis and Ed Reed didn’t score 40 on their Wonderlic tests (or even resist the temptation to consume their tests whole), but I’d still like to see Carlson go across the middle against the Ravens, what with his high shoulder pads, “deceptive speed”, and whatever array of popped-collar polo shirts he’s likely to put on after the game.

The Matt Leinart Award, for most damage done to the reputation of Trojans

Winner: Darren McFadden, Oakland Raiders. Actually, this is a pretty good fit, though I’m sure that’s something ol Darren never thought during the conception of one of his out-of-wedlock children. I’ve heard of handing the keys to the inmates, but someone should have handed Darren the keys to a CVS or a Rite-Aid. Luckily, as the fourth pick in the draft, his children will be taken care of, as long as he resists the temptation to pull a Travis Henry. Don’t doubt McFadden though, his (at least) two illegitimate kids at the age of 20 put him right on pace to match Travis Henry’s nine by the age of 28. It’s a little upsetting that the quality of Broncos-Raiders rivalry has diminished to the point where the most exciting thing is determining which star running back exercises less sexual judgment, but this will no doubt be the prelude to some reality show in about ten years where washed up athletes and their illegitimate kids try to form teams and play against other “families”. (Note: definition of “family” in this case borrowed from the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints). I’m mildly surprised that, after seeing this kid’s roster of family members in prison and with drug addictions, the Bengals didn’t put together a Ricky Williams-esque package of picks to land him.

The Jenna Fischer Award, for being the best of a very unattractive lot.

Winner: Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons. Matt Ryan is the number three pick in the draft? This kid would be working as a used car salesman in Philly if there wasn’t this overhyped notion of “the franchise quarterback”. Matt Ryan needs to send Michael Vick a nice big bouquet of flowers, a cake, or whatever can else get past the prison security guards. I mean, I hate Tom Brady as much as the next guy, probably considerably less after watching the Giants manhandle him in the Super Bowl, but good quarterbacks slip through the cracks. Picking Matt Ryan when Darren McFadden and Glenn Dorsey are still on the board reminds me of those people who were stocking up on bottled water and light bulbs before the Y2K bug was to destroy humanity as we know it.

The Eddie Murphy/Eugene Levy Award, for player whose name is going to make John Madden sound even more like an out-of-touch, old, oblivious white guy

Winner: Kentwan Balmer, San Francisco 49ers

Runner-Up: Jermichael Finley, Green Bay Packers

The George Harrison Award, for luckiest back-up to a superstar.

Winner: Felix Jones, Cowboys… not only did he never start at Arkansas while playing second fiddle to the reproductively able McFadden, but he managed to end up running behind the best offensive line in the NFC alongside a running back with a propensity to get hurt.

The Wayne Chrebet Award, for most likely recipient of such white-boy specific labels as “deceptively fast”, “blue-collar”, and “will exceeds skill”

Winner: Jordy Nelson, Green Bay Packers. Every year there’s at least one pretty good white wide receiver that’s drafted, and this year one of them is Jordy Nelson. They’ve usually broken all the receiving records at the school, captained the team their senior year, redshirted at some point, run a bunch of ten yard outs, played special teams, won the Biletnikoff or other worthless postseason award, worn a jersey number like 28 or 42, and are invariably compared to Ed McCaffrey (if they’re over six foot one) or Wayne Chrebet (if they’re six foot or under).  Past Winners include Tim Dwight, Jason Doering, and Mike Hass.

The Lawrence Phillips Award, for most likely not to last through one NFL season due to disciplinary issues.

Winner: Eddie Royal, Denver Broncos. In addition to demonstrating his speed and agility while running routes and kickoff returns, Royal has also demonstrated that he is very apt at carrying a weapon around campus and has proven himself an expert marksman.

When John James Wonderlic developed the first Wonderlic test in 1778 to test the professional aptitude and intelligence of farmers and masons in rural England, he probably had no idea of where this test would go.  But here we are, 230 years later, and the Wonderlic test is used by all 32 NFL teams in order to gauge whether or not NFL draft prospects will be able to manage the intellectual rigors dictated by the pro game.  After all, the college game can be navigated using brute strength or speed, but clearly, in the NFL, there’s a scholarly element that must be considered a factor for success.  The on-field success of such tacticians as Peyton Manning and Jim Kelly, with their limited physical tools, has only further underscored the needed for an IQ test of sorts.

However, the methodology for this has always been enshrouded by mystery.  The NFL, perhaps as a matter of maintaining the integrity of the test as well as its proprietary nature, does not release details from this testing other than the scores of the players; You can very easily go online and find practice questions for the GMAT, SAT, MCAT, LSAT, or any other *AT for that matter, but try to find a wonderlic question online and you’ll only be frustrated.

Thus, I’ve set out, based on my analysis of the results of this year’s testing and previous, to in essence “back into” the testing and recreate questions, perhaps to be used as a template that can be sold to Kaplan at significant financial gain.

1. If you are in possession of $81,000 of cash, and are in a strip club with 18 strippers, how many $1 bills can be used on “making it rain” on each stripper, while still leaving enough cash to buy a small firearm and ammunition to shoot the bouncer with?

2. Why would one be in possession of $81,000 of cash in the first place?

3. If you are currently under investigation for possession of firearms but are able to prove to a judge that this only happened as a result of your difficult upbringing, are you legally allowed to travel outside the state for athletic competitions?

4. If so, would you feel safe doing so if your bodyguard had recently been shot to death at club?

5. Assuming that you are drafted, you will be likely to earn a healthy sum of money.  In this situation, when drinking heavily at a bar, would you:

a) Call a Cab

b) Hire a Chauffeur to drive you around

c) Abandon the  car you’ve spent a significant amount of your income on somewhere on the side of the road after crashing it.

6. Please draw your interpretation of what a “rape stand” represents, indicating proper dimensions for ensuring full canine reproduction.

7. If one is to be incarcerated for a period of three years, how many calories per day of low protein prison food must be consumed, assuming a normal workout routine, to be able to maintain weight to play quarterback for an NFL team upon one’s release?  Will the amount change if one quarterbacks a prison football team, and will said participation increase likelihood of parole?

8. If you are on a party cruise ship weighing several hundred tons and traveling at 10 MPH, and a police boating weighing significantly less and traveling at 30 MPH comes into contact with said cruise ship, will any sex acts occurring on the boat be disrupted?

9. If one has nine children, by nine different women, and one earns $3 million per year, will one need to take out a loan from his employer to cover alimony, assuming that three of the mothers can be legally classified as “‘hoes” and three others as “bitches”?

10. If you earn $5 million dollars, how many times can you be given $5,000 fines before you no longer point out that it doesn’t matter because you have so much money?

Since its December 2007 release, the Mitchell Report, an 18 month, tax payer funded expose (read: fiasco) chronicling, yes, it’s hard to believe, but true, steroid use in professional baseball over the past decade, has been panned by members of both major political parties, sports writers, athletes, baseball fans and general cynics who like to talk about the good ol’ days. Among its principle shortcomings, according to the media, were its lack of admission by any professional baseball player about steroid use, the fact that the report was based solely on the testimony of two clubhouse attendants that were facing jail time and had incentive to implicate big name players, the fact that much of the report centered on HGH use in baseball in the late 1990s and early 2000s, though the drug was not made illegal until 2004 in Major League Baseball, and perhaps most notably, that the report was spearheaded by a Massachussetts Senator and former part-owner of the Boston Red Sox, whose credibility and objectivity was called into question when no Red Sox were named in the final report. However, I feel that the most fatal flaw of the report was that Senator Mitchell and his minions did not to enough to single out extraordinary feats in the realm of steroids. After all, how can we fully understand the dire effects of steroid use without first understanding why players are compelled to use it in the first place.
Though the history of steroid use in baseball has been relatively brief compared with the history of a game that originated during the Civil War, its brevity has not prevented it from having its fair share of iconic moments and heroes. Names like Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds may line the Major League Record books, but they also represent a generation that wasn’t content with the natural build of man, one that realized tape measure home runs and 100 MPH fastballs don’t come from 5′8″, 170 lb weaklings, and one that, ultimately, for better or for worse, decided to take action. And so, without further ado, I present to you the Jose Awards, a brief ceremony chronicling the very strongest, roid raged, and acne covered stars of the past two decades.

The Lubriderm Award, for most creative use of an alleged moisturizing cream in aid of hitting home runs

Winner: Gary Sheffield (who, like Barry Bonds, claimed that he didn’t know what the cream he was putting on his leg was, and that his personal trainer, a 5′10″, 270 lb man with 30 tattoos and 5% body fat whose judgment and ethics were beyond reproach, suggested it to him).

The Mr. Met Memorial Award, for unprecedented achievement in the realm of cranial expansion.

Winner: Barry Bonds, whose position in left field at PacBell Park was actually a financial move, in that his massive head blocked out the sunlight, thus creating the illusion of more frequent night games, which are known in the baseball community to sell better.

The Taco Bell Award, for most creative use of a parasite as a media diversion.

Winner: Jason Giambi, who in 2004, showed up at Spring Training 25 pounds lighter and with noticeably less power in his swing. Perhaps by sheer coincidence, it was revealed during 2005 that Giambi had also testified before a Grand Jury investigating the BALCO steroid scandal during December 2003.

Runner-Up: Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez, who in the same season showed up significantly lighter to Tigers Spring Training, and blamed his weight loss on illness.

The Warren Jeffs Award, for most ludicrous use of God’s Name to attempt to outweigh overwhelming scientific and physical evidence to the contrary.

Winner: Sammy Sosa, who deemed it an insult to God, and his father, presumably two different people, that he was accused of steroid use by the media.

Runner-up: Andy Pettitte, who seems to have walked away from HGH use allegations completely unscathed, presumably on the grounds that he is a fine, repentant Christian Boy.

The East Village Sports Club Award, for best use of steroids by a gay icon.

Winner: Brady Anderson, whose chiseled physique and exotic sideburns made him eye candy in the homosexual community, and whose 50 home runs in 1996 at the age of 32, more than twice as many as in any other season in his career, prompted steroid suspicion, as well as the insightful comment, “It wasn’t a fluke, it took like six months to do”.

The McGyver Award, for most creative use of a shattered bat shard due to steroid induced rage.

Winner: Roger Clemens, though it is worth noting that that after throwing that piece of wood at Mike Piazza for no reason (and though he initially said he thought it was the ball), Piazza probably looked to have the physical mettle of Dustin Diamond, knowing that he couldn’t charge the mound for fear of getting his ass kicked by the juiced up Clemens.

The Jerome James Award, for most timely receipt of an absurd new contract.

Winner: Eric Gagne, whose $10 million a year deal was apparently offered to him by someone who was watching 2003 video footage and who didn’t have the inside scoop, or the foresight and patience to wait two days for the Mitchell Report to be released.

The Chuck Knoblauch Award, for prompting the thought in all readers of the report, “if he’s on steroids, why does he still strike out or ground into a double play every time he goes to bat?”

Co-Winners: Pretty much everyone mentioned in the Mitchell Report, with the exception of Sheffield, Clemens, and Bonds. I mean seriously, we wait almost two years for this thing, throw millions of tax dollars away, and take critical legislative time away from the War in Iraq and abhorrent economy, and all we get is some speculative evidence from two stool pigeons that Josias Manzanillo and Jason Grimsley “might” have used steroids? Are we also gonna foot the bill when the Justice Department gets sued for defamation by people in the report for whom there is no hard proof of steroid use?

The American Dental Society Award, for excellence in steroid use for dental purposes.

Winner: Paul Byrd, who in addition to being a finalist for the above award and sporting a 4.35 lifetime ERA, allegedly was using syringes prescribed by his dentist to treat a benign tumor (and apparently also to treat a well known, but often untreated disease known colloquially as “Declining Fastball speed”).

The George W. Bush Award, for quickest turnaround time in eating one’s own words.

Winner: Rafael Palmeiro, who, on March 17, 2005, vehemently denied, in front of Congress, that he had ever used steroids of any kind.  Period.  On August 1, 2005, shortly after collecting his 3000th hit, tested positive for Stanozolol (and again denied that he had ever used steroids). But hey, it was just B-12 he was taking, he was trying to keep mosquitoes from flocking to him.

The David Lee Roth/Bret Michaels Award, for the biggest jackass known to mankind who’s capitalizing on his unwarranted popularity.

Winner: Jose Canseco. I’m really not sure if it’s possible for there to be a worse person alive than Jose Canseco. All indications are that if there is someone as evil as him, it’s probably a fictional character create for the purpose of teaching some type of moral tale in some fourteenth century Italian epic poem. If you need to feel good about yourself, pick up a copy of “Game of Shadows” one of these days, and read the passages about Jose Canseco walking around the weight room while his Oakland A’s teammates were working out, stating that he didn’t have to work out because he was juicing. Two of the better moments of my life occurred when, within days of each other, he had a ball bounce off of his head for a home run, and then threw out his arm pitching and missed the remainder of the season.

and last, but not least,

The OJ Simpson Award, for most defamed hero.

Winner: Mark McGwire. Not here to talk about the past? How about the present, when your 583 home runs don’t get you into the Hall of Fame? How about the future, when people remember people remember your half hearted and deceptive apology for using steroids but not your 70 home run season (which has, not coincidentally, been eclipsed by another known juicer?)

I’m sorry, but here endeth the awards show. I’d hope you’ve learned all about the evils of steroids, from these tales of famous multi-millionaires who get paid to play a kid’s game and who are almost impossible to prosecute because of poor detective work done by the government.

Once in a generation, perhaps more frequently, perhaps less, a watershed work of prose is written, one that defines that generation, and defines their struggles, but also defines their emotions. It needn’t be written by a wise sage or the leader of a revolutionary movement, or even a person with a reasonable level of physical or moral hygiene. No, often times, these can emanate from the most humble of sources, from the salt of the earth. Few remember that Karl Marx was on the brink of starvation when he wrote his most famous work. Actually, I don’t remember that either, but it would have been in keeping with his general philosophy, or at least how communism would come to be practiced later. The writers of the Declaration of Independence were so impoverished that they weren’t even able to drive cars to their place of congregation. In 2004, Carmelo Anthony, a college drop-out of sorts and general rapscallion issued a warning to all of those in the Baltimore Area who would snitch, and the general sentiment since then is that snitching is to be frowned upon.

I apologize for getting sidetracked, but I’ve recently embarked upon a new era in my life and feel compelled to write about it. For the first time, I’ve been invited to join a “Junkies Only” fantasy baseball league. This is no regular fantasy league. With a whopping 20 franchises, of all whom are regularly on the prowl for the finest waiver wire talent in the league, no stone can be left unturned and members must be quick of both thought and action. The slightest indecision or apprehension can results in the loss of holds or saves for a week. However, after three weeks of play, I’ve come to belief that it isn’t rigorous competition or the number four and five starters that have drawn me in. It’s the company.

The fact is, I’ve been sick for the last five years. I’ve had a virus, an addiction, to fantasy baseball. Why would I stay up until 1:30 AM watching an Angels Mariners game when I have work the next morning, only to see if K-Rod could pull in a save, and maybe a strike-out or two to boot? What diamond in the rough shortstop could possibly have been dropped in the twenty minutes since I last checked my roster? Why do I have three leagues? Is this message board really as important as my work e-mail? It’s as illogical as a heroin addict saying that he’ll die if he doesn’t get his next hit. Then, I realized something: not only is their a parallel, but the two phenomena are one in the same.

A man becomes addicted to cocaine, and suddenly, the MO changes: he goes from consuming the drug himself, to being consumed by the drug. Whether the impulse is physiological or psychological becomes irrelevant, he needs his next line, and will slit throats and deprive himself of food, sleep, and shelter to obtain it. Well, fortunately our fantasy league hasn’t gotten to that point, though I do start to get worried that someone in the league may have gone crazy after not seeing them post for a few hours. However, there’s a certain compulsive aspect that links the two. As I mentioned earlier, a drug can become the only aspiration in life. For the founder of my league, a married man and a law scholar (though notably at a second rate law school), his ambitions lie not in financial success or in children, but in a consistently strong OPS and a deceptively quick second baseman who can steal a base a week to push him over the top. For many, statistics are a way to understand the game of baseball and to compare players across leagues and generations. For us, statistics are a game unto themselves. They supersede baseball. When Manny “Being Manny” Ramirez drilled two home runs against my beloved Yankees in a game last week, my initial impulse was one of elation. I took in a Yanks-Orioles game at Camden Yards with my girlfriend on Saturday (note: girlfriends are rare and fleeting among the fantasy junkies of the world, as excessive time spent in front of the computer is known to cause impotence); she was entertained by the pristine and classic appearance of the stadium; I was speculating as to whether or not A-Rod DHing might affect his performance at the plate. Another member of my league, and an employee of my former company, confessed to spending many hours a day of his client’s time checking fantasy baseball stats and posting on the message board, shirking tasks and giving them to those members of his team that are too naive to become fantasy junkies. In the impulse of a true addict, I empathized with him, and told him that i do the same thing, and that there is nothing wrong with that.

The simple joys in life become subordinated to success on the virtual diamond. I have a conversation with my boss at work about what we’re doing this weekend; he’s going to a bachelor party this weekend and hanging out with his wife, but all i can think about it how he looks like Craig Biggio. Craig was a great player, he helped me win the 2006 championship. His average dwindled a little towards the end of his career but man, did that multi-position eligibility come in handy. I specifically remember picking him up after he was dro… wait a second, this is a fantasy baseball induced stupor, a state of euphoria brought on by a reverie of fantasy baseball seasons past.

The sad part is, there is no rehab for fantasy baseball junkies. You don’t go to AA. You don’t go to detox. Your priest doesn’t tell you that it’s okay, and that it’s not your fault, and that it’s biological, and that you couldn’t have avoided it even if you tried. You just join up with other people like you, and concede that your life will never be the same for those six months a year. You don’t think of winter as the time of Christmas, or Chanukkah, or Martin Luther King Day, or New Years, you just know it’s when you’d rather be dead since there’s no fantasy baseball. You sit in the virtual crack den that is the draft room, with people you would ordinarily think of as low lifes, deadbeats, and junkies, and you wonder, how did it ever get to this point, and why am I just like these people now?

The important thing to remember, for us fantasy junkies, is that we are not like other people. We are different. We are not worse, we are just different. We cannot be functioning members of society, we cannot have normal relationships. My league-mate Pat will find this out the hard way when he gets married. Most addicts think that their compulsive obsessions with drugs are worsened by associating with other addicts. I say, before you, here today, that we fantasy baseball addicts are much better together than we are apart. When we are alone, we are outsiders and freaks, unable to identify with the common feelings of the contemporary man. When we unite in a league setting, we generate hundreds of absurd, outlandish, and typically offensive posts. To others, this may seem barbaric and sub-human, but it brings us a profound sense of joy. The level of detail taken by the members of my league has advanced the science of statistics to unprecedented heights, a feat that would not have occurred but for the intense level of competition that could only be witnessed in a junkie league. Every Tom, Dick, and Jane joins a basketball pool for march madness, but do their random 10 over 7s and water cooler strategies advance the cause of mankind like our league has? It’s a little known fact that those plastic keyboard covers were actually invented by those junkiest (and most sexually starved) of fantasy junkies to prevent their keyboards from suffering abuse during periods of extreme physical pleasure after having three starters tally wins in the same day. Experts have predicted that competitive fantasy leagues in Sub-Saharan Africa will one day rid that region of starvation. And so, I hope all you fantasy junkies of the world will realize that your condition needn’t be a burden any longer, you can stay a junkie for your whole life and do great things for humanity. Don’t look for help; look for allies. Fantasy junkies of the world, UNITE!

Note: I apologize for using the somber tone and the horribly inappropriate analogy to drug abuse. It just worked really well. Fantasy baseball addiction may ruin a lot of relationships, but it probably hasn’t been responsible for the decay of inner cities in America like drugs have. If you or anyone you know suffers from a fantasy baseball addiction, please e-mail me, and we’ll invite you into the league next year, or maybe even let you take the place this year of someone who isn’t junky enough.