BWI… not just an airport anymore…

In Austin, Texas, earlier this week, much maligned Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested for allegedly “Boating While Intoxicated”. As one might suspect, this act involved the former Texas Longhorn trying to steer boat while under the significant influence of alcohol. Though Benson steadfastly denies that he was drunk (and also states that he was abused by police officers), this will no doubt have repercussions for Benson, the Bears, and the crackdown-state NFL over the coming months. I can say this with reasonable certainty, as this is not an unprecedented event.

Pro Athletes, much like movie stars or musicians, are people who have become wealthy without necessarily possessing a high level of intellect or good judgment. Wealthy professional types, such as lawyers or bankers, have earned their way to the top through shrewd decision making and mastery of their thought-based trades, and are often, though not always, smart enough to know how to behave themselves once they become wealthy. Athletes often come from poor and downtrodden families, and aside from being blessed physically, typically are not blessed mentally, and poor judgment ensues. Here’s a brief list of some of the better crimes committed by athletes over the years…

Randy Moss plays Michael Corleone and attacks a police officer: Randy Moss is really the Messiah of this list, and it’s difficult to pick one specific incident (getting kicked out of both Notre Dame and Florida State before ever setting foot on a field, using marijuana during his pro career, mooning the Green Bay faithful), but I’m going with this one. In September of 2002, shortly after signing a $75 million contract extension and stating that “when you’re rich, you don’t write checks” in response to a fine from NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, Moss actually hit a female police officer with his car when she asked him to stop because of suspicious behavior. Moss later stated that he had heard Vikings defensive coaches talking about a “Bump and Run” and took the instructions far too literally.

 

Reservoir Pitchers: Ugueth Urbina throws gas!: In October of 2005, journeyman reliever Ugueth Urbina, most recently a member of the Philadelphia Phillies and my championship fantasy team, was apparently agitated about something, perhaps having the questionable distinction of having both names start with U, on his Venezuelan farm when he attacked several of his workers with a machete and poured gasoline on them. Urbina was later charged with deprivation of liberty and attempted murder and is serving 14 years in Venezuelan prison, which I’m willing to bet is worse than either Shawshawk, or the “Federal Pound Me in the Ass” prison described in Office Space. However, the implications of this attack were more far reaching that Major League Baseball; months later, President George W. Bush managed to tie this attack, as well as several convenience store robberies and an alarming jaywalking trend to Hugo Chavez.

 

This stuff would cause your life to “flight into bolivimon” also: Mike Tyson, in a 1997 heavyweight title match against Evander Holyfield, actually bit off his competitor’s ear in the ring. It’s hard to say that this is the worst thing a convicted rapist has done, but it’s probably the most unusual and animal-like. My apologies to Randy Moss, we have a new heavyweight champion in the field of athletes breaking the law. It’s funny, but you hardly even notice that humongous tattoo on his face because of all the unusual things he does, between his collection of bengal tigers, his prison sentences, and standing next to Don King. I’d like to think that we’re not gonna here from Iron Mike now that his boxing career is essentially over, but given his recent attempted foray into the pornography industry and the fact that he’s been better known for his out of the ring activities than his boxing for the last twenty years, I’m not optimistic.

 

If Only life were as simple for him as it is for his namesake: Adam “Pac Man” Jones, the talented yet troubled defensive back and kick returner, now of the Dallas Cowboys, has been a neverending punchline over the last few years for sports commentators with his childish behavior.  Ignoring for convenience’s sake a few assorted assault charges and spitting incidents, PacMan’s most devious and well known act was the melee that ensued at a Vegas Strip Club during NBA All Star Weekend 2007.  After PacMan and rapper Nelly began to “make it rain” with $81,020 worth of $1 bills from a garbage bag, the former West Virginia star punched a stripper after she collected a few of the bills off the floor, and upon being escorted out of the club by two bouncers, apparently suspended in mid air between them, Jones threatened the bouncer’s life, and then almost made good on his promise by allegedly having one of his cronies come back and shoot the bouncer and two others, leaving one man paralyzed and two others injured.  There are really too many things wrong with this picture for me to lampoon just one, so I won’t try, but I really do think there’s some irony in the fact that while traveling to NY to meet with commissioner Roger Goodell to discuss his suspension, he managed to stop by a big apple strip club the night before the meeting, and also in the fact that after paralyzing a former wrestler in a shooting, he joined a professional wrestling association during his suspension.  Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, though, has a reputation for helping out troubled athletes, and is reported to be building a firing range in the Cowboys’ new stadium for Jones and fellow Gun Enthusiast Tank Johnson.

 

Who Let the Dogs Fight?: Michael Vick, who only seemed to be an upstanding citizen when compared to pugilistic younger brother Marcus, pled guilty in 2007 to federal and state charges of funding an illegal business enterprise, stemming from a raid in which authorities seized 66 pit bulls and significant dog fighting paraphenalia.  Vick, who later claimed to be an animal lover, citing his collection of seven goldfish and his love of a fine steak, was sentenced to approximately 23 months in prison for his crimes, which will probably make him even more angry at dogs when he gets out.  Most college football fans, after the 1999 championship game in which Vick terrorized the Florida State defense with his feet and with his arm, felt that Vick would revolutionize the way quarterback was played in the NFL, but few realized what an impact he would have on the world of underground, high stakes dogfighting.  Followers of NFL player misconduct will also remember Vick for giving genital herpes to an Atlanta woman, and then providing her with the alias Ron Mexico.